Kia Ora Everyone. This week In writing we had to create a narrative about anything we want! While doing this we met a new site called class companion. It give you a total score on how you’re writing is. My feed back I received from this site! I hope you all will enjoy it 😀
Millions of years ago, planet earth was destroyed. Back then when humans used to count and celebrate their years, It was the year 3050 people doing their usual earth things when they were warned that a meteorite was ready to strike earth. All humans that were living got to a special place that could take them to any planet and soon they zoomed off. After that mishap, they adapted to their new planet, JUPITER.
“BRINGGGGG!!!” The school bell rang. All students got to their classes. Maisyieand her friend group got to history class. Zach stumbled into the classroom with a ring in his head. “ Zach, whats wrong?” Jodi asked. “It’s probably his ears again.” Daniel replied back. “Your late.” Mr Hansen shouted. All four gulped, and quickly got to their table and sat down. Mr Hansen began to talk about humans past planet, EARTH!! Some kids lift their hands up, asking questions after questions. “ Back in the days our kind used to live on planet earth, with other human like beings!” Daniel was amazed like over the top amazed. He wanted to go to life on earth and experience how earth was like, and so he set up plans about how to time travel and go around our galaxy.
Daniel was admired of what he could possibly see in planet earth with all it’s nature and animal life and so, He took lessons on engineering, He researched about the past, learning more about the special place that could take people anywhere around space. He thought of using his excellent engineering skills he achieved and his funky electronics and intelligence, to add things that relate to help with time travel. He first created a planning; he made sure all of his calculations would work and will be correct making sure It would take him to earth and travel back into time. He was finished with his planning. He set off his journey to that very same special place that could take anyone, anywhere across space.
Maisy and the other two went over to where Daniel lived. “Knock Knock!” Maisie yelled. A loud void of quietness erupted. “Where is he? He’d normally shout I’M COMING!!! out loud when we come over.” Maisie said. Jodi and Zach both shrugged, unknown with what he could be doing right in that moment. Soon Daniel’s mother came out welcoming them in. As they got in they rushed into Daniels room. Thats when they saw a blueprint on his bed; Maisie and them were all shocked and curious. It was about a time traveling device. Maisie and her friends felt sick. “Why would Daniel even want to travel back in time!?!?!” Wondered Jodi. “Maybe he was thinking of going back in time to see planet earth?” “He was interested in history class!” “How do you know?” asked Jodi. “He told me while we were eating during lunch time!” Through the window; Zach saw Daniels bicycle near a mountain. He quickly ran to the others and alerted them what he saw, and as soon as they heard him they zoomed off on their scooters and bicycle
Daniel was hiking on top of the mountains; searching for that same specific cave that could take humans anywhere and everywhere. Jodi wasn’t paying attention, she was to busy looking behind her making sure that zach would be safe. “LOOK OUT!!” Jodi twisted her head and saw what looked like a big cliff and she slipped and fell. Maisy and Zach felt despair till they saw a hand, and not any kind. It was the ones with ugly nails; like Jodi’s. When Maisy saw the nails she, immediatly pounced and got to her knees and held on to Jodi’s hands; trying to lift her up, and Zach noticed as well. Together they managed to lift Jodi out of the cliff. Jodi looked like a blue smurf, and she ran and hugged the two. They were all reliefed that she was safe but there was still one more thing to do.
Daniel was astonished as he completed the high tech space ship to travel the universe. He was expecting it to take weeks; but he managed to finish it with his faith in himself. Maisy and her group was walking near Daniel. Zach was behind the two. He then smelt a special scent, one that is mainly related to one person. The unmistakable scent of freshly made tuna sandwhiches wafting through the air, and he shouted out to them. “GUYS I COULD SMELL DANIELS SCENT!!” The two quickly catched up to zach and got to the special cave. Jodi was going to make an entrance so she got ready and. “YOU GOT BUSTED!!!” “Jodi, Jodi, Jodi, JODI!!” “AHH!! Maisy why’d you do that?” Wondered Jodi. Jodi soon realised that she was talking to the rocks infront of her and quickly got embarrassed.
Maisy heard a loud screeching noise. “EEEEEEEIRRRRRRR” Maisy quickly found the cave and used her scooter to crack the rocks. She banged it couple of times and managed to get in. “How?” Daniel yelled. Maisy quickly grabbed her water bottle and tipped it all over the electrical things. “NOOOOOOOO!!!!” “Do you know HOW LONG THIS TOOK!!!!?!?!?!?!?!” Jodi called Daniels mother with her phone using her left over data. Later on that day policeman and firefighters got to the scene. Daniel managed to escape charges and they all got back to their home town. Maisy, Jodi, and Zach were thrilled saving their friend from craziness But little did they know, The machine they broke was a DUD!!!! Daniel actually planned it weeks ago already knowing about it, and he created the final product manging to get to the past. The End.
My feedback from AI its self
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You’ve done a great job of creating a complex and engaging storyline with interesting elements like time travel and living on Jupiter. Your ideas are well-developed, especially with Daniel’s fascination with Earth and his plans for time travel. Keep up the good work by continuing to add depth to your characters’ motivations and the settings you create.
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Your story has a clear structure with a beginning, middle, and end, and the language is mostly appropriate for storytelling. To improve, try to develop the structural features more by incorporating more descriptive language to create vivid imagery. For example, you could describe the appearance of the time machine or the environment on Jupiter more vividly.
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Your story is mostly coherent, and ideas are grouped well, but the use of paragraphs could be improved to better organize the text. Try separating different scenes and moments into distinct paragraphs. For example, separate the part where Daniel is working on his plan from when his friends are trying to find him.
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You’ve used a variety of precise words and phrases, like “the unmistakable scent of freshly made tuna sandwiches.” To enhance your story further, continue using more precise and varied vocabulary to add detail and interest. For example, describe the environment on Jupiter with more vivid and descriptive words.
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Most of your sentences are correct and show some variety in structure, length, and type. To improve, try adding more complex sentences with extending phrases and clauses. For example, you could combine shorter sentences to create more complex ones, like describing Daniel’s emotions as he completes his time machine.
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You’ve improved your punctuation by correcting some errors, but there are still areas to work on. For example, make sure to use commas correctly in compound sentences and check for missing apostrophes in contractions like “you’re.” This will make your writing clearer and more polished.
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You spell a range of high-frequency words correctly, but there are some spelling mistakes such as “sandwhiches” instead of “sandwiches” and “reliefed” instead of “relieved”. Pay attention to these errors and try using spell check tools to help catch them. For example, double-check words like “intellegence” to ensure they are spelled correctly.